Can't sleep. Maybe a midnight snack will help.....it doesn't. I go to bed and fall into dream land...I hear a melody...I awaken. I check the time 12:16 Call #1. I hear the same words over and over again. "I miss you, I love you, I can't be without you" Pity stirs up inside me. I calm the voice on the other end and hinder the noise. I hang up. I fall into my void again. I awaken. Call #2 I check the time 12:46 a.m. The word Stalker appears as the name. I answer --Why? I don't know. It's 12:46 in the morning I don't know what I'm doing.... I hear the noise on the other end. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to treat you bad I'm really sorry"....silence. confusion.......I reply. "You're forgiven?."....I hear the Explosion on the other end "You've changed you're not the same.....".......silence....confusion......frustration.....tightening of the jaws....I hang up. Head downstairs for a midnight snack. Get online and write on my blog. Does this make me feel any better....yes. Thank you God is all I can say. Thank you for the frustrations in life.
Look at the time and name it as my title....Good night world
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Jesse's Testimony
I recently was talking to this man named Jesse who really impacted me. He is an American who once “had it all” and gave it all up to go be a missionary in South America. His decision to give up everything had left my mind running for hours. He explained how he’s never been so happy and I could actually see the joy in his face through his pictures.
Many thoughts passed through the highway of my mind but there was something that really touched my heart and it was the Orphanage. I looked through his pictures and my heart truly went out to them. I wanted to hold all of them and whisper that I loved them. It’s weird how you can love someone so much and not even know them, yet there I was with my heart in my hand looking at these pictures of these children and I could only imagine why they were there. I sat looking at his website and the pictures and I longed to live a life like Jesse's
King Solomon was right when he said, "Vanity of vanities, all is vanity." The ultimate question was asked inside of me, “Why are we never satisfied? Why are we always wanting more?” People are dying of starvation and yet we turn the blind eye just so that they won’t be our problem. When are we going to stand up with the authority that God gave us and share the joy and truth of Jesus Christ? We live in a country where we are free and yet we are the biggest cowards in the world. What are we afraid of losing? Your friend? Your popularity? That’s as much as we can lose here.
I don’t know why the Lord allowed my path and Jesse’s to cross. All I know was that it reminded me of what I was put on this earth to do. The Lord says come. He has a future for you; a purpose that only YOU can fulfill. God You have my heart. Do Your will in my life.
Many thoughts passed through the highway of my mind but there was something that really touched my heart and it was the Orphanage. I looked through his pictures and my heart truly went out to them. I wanted to hold all of them and whisper that I loved them. It’s weird how you can love someone so much and not even know them, yet there I was with my heart in my hand looking at these pictures of these children and I could only imagine why they were there. I sat looking at his website and the pictures and I longed to live a life like Jesse's
King Solomon was right when he said, "Vanity of vanities, all is vanity." The ultimate question was asked inside of me, “Why are we never satisfied? Why are we always wanting more?” People are dying of starvation and yet we turn the blind eye just so that they won’t be our problem. When are we going to stand up with the authority that God gave us and share the joy and truth of Jesus Christ? We live in a country where we are free and yet we are the biggest cowards in the world. What are we afraid of losing? Your friend? Your popularity? That’s as much as we can lose here.
I don’t know why the Lord allowed my path and Jesse’s to cross. All I know was that it reminded me of what I was put on this earth to do. The Lord says come. He has a future for you; a purpose that only YOU can fulfill. God You have my heart. Do Your will in my life.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
I'm just a friend in his eyes
I always look at him when I get the chance. I promised myself that I wouldn’t let another man into my mind, but there he is. He leaves his foot prints in my mind, and I can feel myself break down the brick walls that I have built. I wish he would show me something, anything. If he let me know that I exist in his eyes as he does in mine.
When he speaks to me I find no words I just stay in awe. If not him then someone similar.
I wish he wasn’t just a friend. I’ll just carry around this feeling in hopes that maybe he’ll one day give them back to me.
It’s so easy to pretend that I don’t feel anything for you when all along you’re all that I’ve been thinking about
When he speaks to me I find no words I just stay in awe. If not him then someone similar.
I wish he wasn’t just a friend. I’ll just carry around this feeling in hopes that maybe he’ll one day give them back to me.
It’s so easy to pretend that I don’t feel anything for you when all along you’re all that I’ve been thinking about
Thursday, August 18, 2011
God is not your dad
Yes you're reading this correctly. There are no typos. God is NOT your dad. BUT before you say anything let me explain why I say this..
For as long as I can remember I've relived and relived the trauma that my earthly father has caused to my life. Now before everyone starts thinking that my earthly father is the villain in this story let me give you some insight on his life. My earthly father was never loved as a child. Once born he was abandoned by his mother Domitila. She cast him in the dumpster one late stormy night and in the distance watching in the rain was her very own sister who would be the hero in my father’s life. She came lifted him from the dumpster and raised him as her own. At the age of ten she passed away leaving him as an orphan. At age 14 he entered the army and fought in the Salvadorian war. He killed many some by accident others on purpose. This traumatized him profoundly.
Many years later, after two daughters, I would pop into this picture. I remember my father being hard and merciless. The word forgiveness didn’t exists in his vocabulary. Once my mother ran to her friend’s apartment because there was no tomato paste and lunch still wasn’t prepared for him. While she ran upstairs he came in and didn’t find her. Seconds later she walked in and I remember him beating her. This was one of my earliest memories. He beat her and kicked her until she fell to the ground and even then he wouldn’t stop. She ran to the room and just like that the performance being played in front of me like a movie ceased. This movie replayed many times and each time I saw this movie my heart accelerated. I secretly rooted for the woman in the movie to maybe one day stand up for herself, but I never saw it.
Growing up my father and I never got along. It wasn’t because we were opposites; it was because we were so much alike. My boldness and fearlessness were an exact replication of him. I remember my dad spanking me many times. Some were for good reasons and others not so much. For everything that he thought I did wrong I got hit for. He never missed an opportunity. I remember once just staring at him while he hit me. I didn’t say a word and not one tear fell from my face, but even with a mask on my face he placed an enormous fear in my heart. Although I thank him for some of that what I don’t thank him was the verbal abuse I’ve had to endure from his lips. I had come to believe everything he told me was true. I was worthless, a nobody, too skinny to the point that no man would love me, stupid, an imbecile just like my mother.
When I finally came to the Lord as a teenager I tried to be on my best behavior. I didn’t want to mess up because if I did He might punish me. But when I did screw up I would begin crying because I knew God was going to punish me in the worse possible way. He was going to “hit” me. I’d ask for forgiveness over and over again. I remember pleading to God asking Him to never leave me and that I could do better. My relationship with God became a game of Cat and Mouse. I felt like He never wanted me to be genuinely happy. I felt like He was a bully and was waiting with a magnifier glass ready to set me on fire. I saw God as my father: unforgiving merciless and hard and ready to hit me whenever He desired. It wasn’t until I heard a preaching of this kind that helped me realize that God is not my dad.
I still struggle with this thought, but I just try to remember that God is not human and is loving. Little by little God has been mending what my earthly father did. Now don’t get me wrong my earthly father isn’t a bad man. He’s just a man with issues. He’s a man seeking the same things that I am. Love. I’ve seen the Lord change bits and pieces of my earthly dad. One day I’ll see the complete change. I love my earthly dad more than anything. He’s my Hero. But My Father in Heaven, well, that’s my Savior.
For as long as I can remember I've relived and relived the trauma that my earthly father has caused to my life. Now before everyone starts thinking that my earthly father is the villain in this story let me give you some insight on his life. My earthly father was never loved as a child. Once born he was abandoned by his mother Domitila. She cast him in the dumpster one late stormy night and in the distance watching in the rain was her very own sister who would be the hero in my father’s life. She came lifted him from the dumpster and raised him as her own. At the age of ten she passed away leaving him as an orphan. At age 14 he entered the army and fought in the Salvadorian war. He killed many some by accident others on purpose. This traumatized him profoundly.
Many years later, after two daughters, I would pop into this picture. I remember my father being hard and merciless. The word forgiveness didn’t exists in his vocabulary. Once my mother ran to her friend’s apartment because there was no tomato paste and lunch still wasn’t prepared for him. While she ran upstairs he came in and didn’t find her. Seconds later she walked in and I remember him beating her. This was one of my earliest memories. He beat her and kicked her until she fell to the ground and even then he wouldn’t stop. She ran to the room and just like that the performance being played in front of me like a movie ceased. This movie replayed many times and each time I saw this movie my heart accelerated. I secretly rooted for the woman in the movie to maybe one day stand up for herself, but I never saw it.
Growing up my father and I never got along. It wasn’t because we were opposites; it was because we were so much alike. My boldness and fearlessness were an exact replication of him. I remember my dad spanking me many times. Some were for good reasons and others not so much. For everything that he thought I did wrong I got hit for. He never missed an opportunity. I remember once just staring at him while he hit me. I didn’t say a word and not one tear fell from my face, but even with a mask on my face he placed an enormous fear in my heart. Although I thank him for some of that what I don’t thank him was the verbal abuse I’ve had to endure from his lips. I had come to believe everything he told me was true. I was worthless, a nobody, too skinny to the point that no man would love me, stupid, an imbecile just like my mother.
When I finally came to the Lord as a teenager I tried to be on my best behavior. I didn’t want to mess up because if I did He might punish me. But when I did screw up I would begin crying because I knew God was going to punish me in the worse possible way. He was going to “hit” me. I’d ask for forgiveness over and over again. I remember pleading to God asking Him to never leave me and that I could do better. My relationship with God became a game of Cat and Mouse. I felt like He never wanted me to be genuinely happy. I felt like He was a bully and was waiting with a magnifier glass ready to set me on fire. I saw God as my father: unforgiving merciless and hard and ready to hit me whenever He desired. It wasn’t until I heard a preaching of this kind that helped me realize that God is not my dad.
I still struggle with this thought, but I just try to remember that God is not human and is loving. Little by little God has been mending what my earthly father did. Now don’t get me wrong my earthly father isn’t a bad man. He’s just a man with issues. He’s a man seeking the same things that I am. Love. I’ve seen the Lord change bits and pieces of my earthly dad. One day I’ll see the complete change. I love my earthly dad more than anything. He’s my Hero. But My Father in Heaven, well, that’s my Savior.
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